Highs and Lows
I'm drowning. I'm several feet under water and I can see the light from the sun shining through the water. I just can't get to it. I feel like I'm swimming, but I never break through the surface. It doesn't make any sense. My body is just stuck three feet below the sunshine.
I'm suffocating. I'm sitting in a corner looking at my whole world, feeling the weight of everything I'm doing and not doing and the needs that need to be met and I can feel my chest tightening under the pressure.
I'm in an earthquake. I realize that the very foundation of the building I'm in has cracks. I'm in a room with a number of large stone pillars. Some of them are crumbling and rock and dust are falling all around me. I can only choose one pillar to hold up, so there I am holding onto the one I think is most important. Crouched on the floor with my arms around this one pillar, I watch the other pillars crack, crumble, or fall and I wonder what will be left when the ground stops shaking.
I'm face down on the ground. My cheek presses into hard, damp asphalt. The ground is so warm, I can tell that it's summer but I can't turn onto my back to fully soak in the rays of the sun. There is a rumbling coming from somewhere deep in the earth and little pieces of gravel are shaking on the pavement. I know I need to move, but I can't. The best I can do is to lay there and tell the earth to please stop shaking.
It takes me a long time to find the right words to express my feelings. I've learned that in their absence my mind will often paint pictures for me. It fills in the blank spaces with daydream (daymare?) like scenes for me to channel my feelings.
So when Jayce can tell I've reached a breaking point and asks me what's wrong and all I can say is, "I'm suffocating," it's because that's the scene that I feel. That's the scene playing in my head in place of the words that can adequately describe what's wrong. It's at least the case when I'm flooded in overwhelm.
Jayce is helpful in getting me to the "why's." I can bounce words and thoughts off of him until I get to the root of what's really wrong. Ogres aren't the only ones comparable to onions. Jayce helps me get there while navigating my unpredictable emotional waters. Love that man. And for all you noble men out there striving to uphold the women around you, high fives all around.
I'm suffocating. I'm sitting in a corner looking at my whole world, feeling the weight of everything I'm doing and not doing and the needs that need to be met and I can feel my chest tightening under the pressure.
I'm in an earthquake. I realize that the very foundation of the building I'm in has cracks. I'm in a room with a number of large stone pillars. Some of them are crumbling and rock and dust are falling all around me. I can only choose one pillar to hold up, so there I am holding onto the one I think is most important. Crouched on the floor with my arms around this one pillar, I watch the other pillars crack, crumble, or fall and I wonder what will be left when the ground stops shaking.
I'm face down on the ground. My cheek presses into hard, damp asphalt. The ground is so warm, I can tell that it's summer but I can't turn onto my back to fully soak in the rays of the sun. There is a rumbling coming from somewhere deep in the earth and little pieces of gravel are shaking on the pavement. I know I need to move, but I can't. The best I can do is to lay there and tell the earth to please stop shaking.
It takes me a long time to find the right words to express my feelings. I've learned that in their absence my mind will often paint pictures for me. It fills in the blank spaces with daydream (daymare?) like scenes for me to channel my feelings.
So when Jayce can tell I've reached a breaking point and asks me what's wrong and all I can say is, "I'm suffocating," it's because that's the scene that I feel. That's the scene playing in my head in place of the words that can adequately describe what's wrong. It's at least the case when I'm flooded in overwhelm.
Jayce is helpful in getting me to the "why's." I can bounce words and thoughts off of him until I get to the root of what's really wrong. Ogres aren't the only ones comparable to onions. Jayce helps me get there while navigating my unpredictable emotional waters. Love that man. And for all you noble men out there striving to uphold the women around you, high fives all around.
Because I'll be honest, sometimes this is me:
And Jayce has to figure that lady out.
Like any year for any person, 2016 had highs and lows for me. My lows came in rapid fire for a very uncomfortable length of time for me this year. I kept cycling through the same overwhelmed feelings. I'm drowning, I'm suffocating, I'm in an earthquake. Right when I felt like I was coming out of it, my head would get pushed under the water again. And the pushing was mainly from myself. The mind can be one of the harshest captors.
I have a list of reasons behind the overwhelm, but I also have a list of wonderful things to be grateful for. A husband who wants to be with me through thick and through thin and four healthy, safe, breathtaking boys are at the top of that list. Coupled with my desire to put my trust in the Lord, they are the reason I can dig deep and weather the storm. Face down, hunched over against the wind and the rain, one foot in front of the other I can still press forward. And that floods me with hope, gratitude, and love, which I think is a great way to step into 2017.
Good on you Sarah! You can do this if anyone can! When you look back on these days, you will see that they created the strength that will carry you through a life time of highs and lows! I love you!
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