One Eternal Round

So, for the last six months or so I've kind of been on and off drowning in motherhood. Maybe that sounds like an overstatement for the surface lookers, but inside I've felt like a red siren is flashing over my head alerting everyone that I'm under the water. 

There is a time and a season for all things, right? I feel like life is an endless round of cycles. I'm always reminded of the phrase from the hymn "If You Could Hie to Kolob" that says, "Improvement and progression have one eternal round." If you want to experience the joys in life, you also need to experience some of the trials.

We all go through periods where we're at the best part of the cycle and eventually we find ourselves on the other end working our way up again. Depending on what season of life we're in the cycle might be going very slowly, or so fast that you feel like you're getting whiplash. 

For my over-all cycle I feel like I've been slowly trudging along at the bottom, trying to work up to the top. The little cycles that make up my days have been giving me whiplash. I cycle through highs and lows so frequently that I'm just beat by the end of the day. Am I making any sense?

The rise and fall of confidence, doubt, faith, fear, love, anger, energy, and exhaustion. I mean, it's a million little things and even some big things that just build and build and wear you out. I'm just in a rough season. I think everyone can relate.

I had another melt down day recently. Little things had slowly been building over the proceeding days and then a lot of little things that shouldn't have been huge deals felt like it just because I was already at "that point." Ya feeling me?

A couple of those annoying little things were these:

Accidentally dying two of the boys shirts blue when I was actually trying to get stains out.

I was trying to bake some chicken that I could shred up and use in a couple of salads for the week. So simple, right? The timer went off while I was in another room and at least an hour later I remembered, "THE CHICKEN." No chicken for salads.

I had gotten to my yelling point earlier that morning, every little mess the kids made felt like it would tip me over the edge, I felt so out of control of my life, I just wanted to sit in my room and cry, I mean I was just an emotional basket case. I'll be the first to admit female emotions can be weird/annoying/crazy. Half the time my emotions don't even make sense to me.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel though. In the last week or so Heavenly Father has been helping me rise above the water by helping me count my blessings. I have been praying for a while for the strength to get out of this rut, to be able to have the "joy of motherhood" back and to feel more fulfilled on a daily basis. I want to enjoy this journey even when it's hard!

Thought #1: Remembering that I chose motherhood. I have always wanted to be a mother, it was always what I envisioned in my future. I was never really seriously drawn to any other career. I always knew I'd be a mom. Period. This is always comforting to remember when I get caught up in the whirlwind.

Thought #2: Going through this early phase of motherhood has taught me more about my relationship with Heavenly Father. My children are often a window to showing me how I appear to my Heavenly Father and the feelings that I feel towards my children often teach me about what Heavenly Father feels towards me.

Thought #3: I'm head over heels for my children. Not trying to sound too cheesy, but really, I love love love love love love love love love love love love them. Listening to Cameron's funny things he says and enjoying watching his mind develop, Jackson's adorable stubbornness that makes it so hard to hold in my smiles, Benson blowing us away with what he'll eat and what he'll say, they're just squishy, warm, funny, snuggle balls and just thinking about it makes me want to squeeze them!

Thought #4: I have someone awesome to share the load with and he does share the load. We are not without our own problems that we have to work through as a couple, but Jayce is so awesome about noticing when I'm at my breaking point and then turning on Super Dad and letting me take time out for myself. I love this man and he knows me well.

The last time I hit my breaking point Jayce told me to go into our room and shut the door for a few hours so that I could get the things done that had been stressing me out because I never had enough time/energy to take care of them. 

I'm not talking about some three hour for-fun craft. I mean, I was just stressed over the basics: the budget, paying a couple of bills, going through some emails, and FINALLY finishing the food storage list. They're fairly small things, but I wasn't getting to them and they were bogging down my brain. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with taking time out for yourself to craft or whatever helps you unwind, but I was just scrambling over the basics of our household that week (month? year?).

Part way through my bedroom sentence Jayce texts me and says, "I've got dinner tonight. Just keep doing whatever you need to. We will get you when it's all ready. I insist. :)"

When they came to get me, this is what I came out to:

He even looked up a recipe for strawberry vinaigrette. *Sigh* I'm grateful that he was at a point in his weekly schedule when he could do something like this for me.

I cannot tell you how happy I am to be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I was trudging for so long and now Heavenly Father has been raining the blessings down. I'm almost at the top of my cycle again! Words from Master, the Tempest is Raging keep coming to mind, so I'm just going to close with that.

Master, the tempest is raging!

The billows are tossing high!

The sky is o'ershadowed with blackness.

No shelter or help is nigh.

Carest thou not that we perish?

How canst thou lie asleep

When each moment so madly is threat'ning

A grave in the angry deep?

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:

Peace, be still.

Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea

Or demons or men or whatever it be,

No waters can swallow the ship where lies

The Master of ocean and earth and skies.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, be still; peace, be still.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, peace, be still.